“By nature, we do not perceive ourselves or others accurately. We magnify the importance of ourselves and diminish that of others. In the beauty of a clear night, however, we look at the stars and feel ourselves small, unimportant, and at peace. On an objective scale, we sense our insignificance. Somehow the realization comforts us. The return of the illusion hurts us, takes our peace away, allows us to magnify slights, rejections, and humiliations as others challenge the illusion of our self-importance with theirs. It is in our human nature that this be so; it is our task to transcend it.”—Barry Grosskopf, Hidden in Plain Sight (via psychotherapy)
“So close, no matter how far,
Couldn’t be much more from the heart,
Forever trusting who we are,
and nothing else matters.”—Nothing Else Matters by Metallica (submitted by dreamxflight.tumblr.com) (via quote-book) (via abeautifulsystem)
you said that i smelled like violets and july. i was nervous and you were honest. i kept telling myself “you’ve got to remember this, please remember this” — the way your hair touched your neck and how your collarbones burn gold when the sun hangs so low. you have to remember how he made you feel like flowers tucked behind your ear and when the light cracks in the evening and pulls the whole world in two. you’ve got to remember the way he made you feel like you were something small, something true. something that could fit in the spaces between his fingers. and these things are hard to say sometimes. they’re really personal and it’s not all glitter and golden hour. sometimes it’s bruised knees and scraped palms and the way the people i felt the strongest feelings for are only strangers now. sometimes these memories are the softest things i have - but often they are what make me feel the loneliest. that this is how i connect with people. i write them letters after we’ve already parted, after our moments are pleated and abandoned. and we always sat on the boardwalk, sunsets cutting the sky into sections. splinters in our fingers feeling for our fathers and finding what they made our mothers feel and trying to remember that we’re here and we are unapologetic. we’re real and we’re love-lost, we’re star-crossed and reeling. so we asked god why we always feel his stare but can never find his eyes. and why is it that when we see beautiful things our chest starts to cave and we feel someone hugging our ribcage softly before taking out a piece of the thing that belongs in between all the spaces that separate stars. we were wide eyed and untucking the sunrise that’s always just a few steps away from a sunset. you smiled at me and i wanted to remember everything so that one day i could write about this. then the whole world would know about how i looked at you like i could die and didn’t mind if you were the last thing i’d ever see. “you’ve got to remember this. please remember this.”
you smiled at me and i wanted to remember everything so that one day i could write about this.
you are waking up to a morning cup of tea half full of honey, sitting by the edge of the sea enjoying the cool, brisk morning, a really good book i like to cuddle with but never want to finish, weekend brunch, napping to the sound of pouring, pouring rain in the background, pjs and oversized clothes, dark chocolate and lots of it, my favorite song when it plays when i least expect it, sunsets over sunrises, 3 hour phone calls, the feeling right before sleep overcomes me, the taste of something i haven’t had in a long time and the memory of it being as good as that last time, the warmth a million blankets and pillows provide on a cold cold day, my worn out summer dress i still wear and wear because i can’t bear to get rid of it even when seasons change. you are the comfort in every single one of those things that i have come to know and love. it’s everything that you are and it’s always been enough.
“This is what life does. It lets you walk up to the store to buy breakfast and the paper, on a stiff knee. It lets you choose the way you have your eggs, your coffee. Then it sits a fisherman down beside you at the counter who says,’ Last night, the channel was full of starfish,’ And you wonder, is this a message, finally, or just another day?”
To everyone that called/texted/messaged to check on me, I’m okay.
I was on my way to the hospital for our Surgery cycle that just started today. They had to evacuate us, my train was at Park Kultury around 0815 so I probably just missed the two blasts by about 20 minutes or so in between both. It was pandemonium inside the stations, people didn’t really know what was going on then and were mainly still trying to get to their destinations on time (I know I was). The escalators got stuck at some point, there were just too many people trying to get on it at once.
Three of my friends sustained injuries. Just minor cuts from what I hear, and have been released as outpatients.
Life goes on as usual for us though. I can’t avoid using the metro, like it or not we’re extremely dependent on it. They’ve shut down the stations involved but there are temporary shuttle buses provided for commuters so it’s not really that bad.
I’m thankful for all the prayers and well-wishes. It’s scary, how I woke up this morning without a clue in the world that my life would be this close to death. I guess no one ever knows. No one’s ever ready to die.
Female suicide bombers set off huge explosions during rush hour Monday morning in two subway stations in central Moscow, officials said, killing at least 35 people and raising fears that the Muslim insurgency in southern Russia was once again being brought to the country’s heart.
The first attack occurred as commuters were exiting a packed train at the Lubyanka station, which is near the headquarters of the F.S.B., the successor to the Soviet-era K.G.B. Officials said they suspected that the attack there was intended as a message to the security services, which have helped lead the crackdown on Islamic extremism in Chechnya and other parts of the Caucasus region in southern Russia.
The two explosions spread panic throughout the capital as people searched for missing relatives and friends, and the authorities tried to determine whether more attacks were planned. The subway system, known as the Metro, is one of the world’s most extensive and well-managed, and it serves as a vital artery for Moscow’s commuters, carrying as many as 10 million people a day.
“The terrorist acts were carried out by two female terrorist bombers,” said Moscow’s mayor, Yuri M. Luzhkov. “They happened at a time when there would be the maximum number of victims.”
Mr. Luzhkov said 23 people were killed in the first explosion, at the Lubyanka station, and 12 people were killed 40 minutes later in a blast at the Park Kultury station. Dozens were injured.
whenever i see your smile my heart always sinks. it sinks because it’s such a beautiful sight to see, yet so unattainable. nothing has ever made me feel more inadequate than your smile. to know that i’m at the short end of the stick. that no matter how hard i chase your silhouette i will never be able to grasp it as much as i need for it. i will chase you. i will chase you. maybe i’m crazy. maybe there’s nothing there at all, but i wil give it my all and immense myself on something i’m unsure of because that’s what’s life is about. immersing yourself in something unknown something where you know the odds are against you. there’s something bittersweet and beautiful about taking a chance. a chance to totally flip the world around and make everyone seem like the crazy ones instead of me. but then i wake up and realize i have priorities. i have real life troubles i must first get to and probably by the end of it all i will forget about this. forget about the chase i once wanted. i will forget and you will never know. every single possibility of blissful happiness through what could’ve been is lost in the thoughts i once held that are now floating in the clouds forever unfound. this is life and even as ignorant as we might want to be, every tiny little spec of decision we make forever affects our lives no matter if we choose for it or not. it either tilts my way or your way. there are no compromises when we have choices. you pick one and you run with it. plow through that’s what we do.
Last night I listened to your silvery breath, inhale and exhale like music until I was sure you were sleeping. Both of us closer than than our sounds, than the words that travelled the line. It was perfect how we didn’t care about anything else then. Even if time was slipping through our fingers like sand. As I lay on my pillow at half past midnight, with you on yours at dawn. And all your answers to the why’s I asked was this: “Because it’s you”.
“I think they don’t know. You know, when you ask them how they’re feeling, and they don’t wanna tell you and you think they’re being difficult, I think they really don’t know.”—Kim, a patient from Grey’s Anatomy (via fuckyeahgreysanatomy)
I hate the way you make me wear my heart on my sleeve, bleeding mapping out my thoughts like it’s an underground train track to wherever it is I am. I don’t even know if this is going to last, what do you think? I wish I could say I don’t care, I wish I don’t, it probably would level up the chase, you’d look for me and fade like the rest while I circle the world like the satellite I sometimes am, unaffected like the sea. I wish for a lot of things, actually, like I wish I didn’t write a whole new journal just for you but I did, so that’s that. I don’t know why but now everytime I think or see something it’s like I’m talking to you in my head, forming editing thoughts like they’d be sent to you, like you can read them, like you’re somewhat telepathic despite the many many miles that are distancing us. Despite the fact that you can’t read them.
This rush overwhelms me, sometimes I feel like I have to reach out and stop myself from falling too fast because that equates to falling too hard and I’ll just bruise. Sometimes I feel like laughing to my face and eating my heart out just because. Just because I am rash, too bold with this constant, continuous emotional roller coaster ride. And you’re the enabler. You’re the opportunist slithering your way into my head and dividing it and conquering the little pieces and the big ones. You’ll have to be responsible for this you know because if one day you feel like leaving me my words would have been thrusted upon your care, and you have to be cautious with how you use them. And I know you’ll leave me one day, if not soon, because your having found me was almost impossible in the first place. Yes, it still confounds me why it was me you chose to bestow your attention upon when there are 6billion others out there.
While you’re around though, you’re the escape I look for almost all the time. I like you very very much and I would like to not care at all. I would like to not care about anything at all except to like you very very much. To be that though, is to be sure of you, to know you…………………….. but I’m not sure and I don’t know. You.
Give me back my rosy-cheeked naivety, give me back the eager months of my adolescent youth. Give me something, because I have nothing but empty streets howling lonely, lonely, lonely memories. And my eyes are flashing green with envy, blue with sadness, yellow still to see you. Let me see you. We are whispers over telephone wires and a distant taste of love that never grew past splintering barkdust and the worm-riddled soil of the past.
And my eyes are flashing green with envy, blue with sadness, yellow still to see you. Let me see you.